How to Spot a Frenemy in 3 Questions

Some people light up a room when they walk in. Others? When they walk out.

At this stage in life, we’ve earned the right to curate our circle like it’s fine art. We know the difference between acquaintances and true blue friends. But every now and then, someone slips in wearing the mask of sisterhood while quietly rooting for our downfall. That, my friend, is a frenemy—a friendly face with hidden claws.

So how do you tell the difference between a friend and a frenemy? Ask yourself these three questions:

Do I feel smaller after spending time with her?

You know the type. You share exciting news, and she responds with a half-smile and a quick pivot to her own drama—or worse, a passive-aggressive jab disguised as a compliment. ("Wow, you’re brave to wear that!”) A real friend builds you up. A frenemy leaves you second-guessing your worth, your choices, or your joy.

Does she celebrate me when I'm not around?

Genuine friendship means your name is safe in her mouth—even when you’re not in the room. If you’re constantly hearing through the grapevine that she’s been talking about you instead of for you, take note. A friend defends your name in your absence. A frenemy drops seeds of doubt and drama behind your back.

Is the relationship one-sided—or strangely competitive?

Friendship isn’t about keeping score, but it is about mutual support. If you’re always the one giving, encouraging, or showing up—and she’s only around when it serves her—it’s time to reevaluate. Also? If she treats your wins like a threat instead of a victory lap, you're not in a friendship. You’re in a rivalry you didn’t sign up for.

Here’s the truth: You don’t owe loyalty to someone who drains you in the name of friendship. The older we get, the more we value real. Real support, real laughs, real love. If someone’s energy feels off, it probably is. Trust your gut, tighten your circle, and know that protecting your peace is not petty—it’s powerful.

A note of caution regarding that identified frenemy!

This isn’t about turning a frenemy into an enemy when resetting your boundaries with them. Tact and skill come in to play here, so that you don't turn their passive tactics into an all-out assault on you as soon as you are out of the room. It’s about recognizing the dynamic and managing their access to your heart, time and energy. You can set boundaries without burning bridges. Be kind, be gracious—but also be discerning. Every smile doesn’t mean safe, and not everyone deserves front-row seats to your life. Grace with boundaries? That’s seasoned wisdom.

You’ve got too much living left to do to waste it untangling someone else’s insecurities.

Now, go reach out to someone and BE that friend by offering a cheery "hi, just thinking about ya" or some other word of kindness or encouragement. Becase we all know that the person with quality friends is the person that IS that friend to others.